Genesis: Chapter Fourteen (Abram Rescues Lot)

In which a completely nonsensical war breaks out and Lot becomes the only Sodomite worth a thought.

MEANWHILE!

Amraphel, Atrioch, Kedorlaomer, and Tidal (the kings of Shinar, Ellasar, Elam, and Goiim) start a war against Bera, Birsha, Shinab, Shemeber, and Zoar (the kings of Sodom, Gomorrah, Admah, Zeboiim, and Bela). The latter group has been under the command of Kedorlaomer, and they don't like it. They rebel. (14:1-4)

This war rages on for fourteen years, when Kedorlaomer and his crew finally destroy the Rephaites, the Zuzites, the Emites, and the Horites, then turn back toward En Mishpat (also known as Kadesh) and conquer that entire region. (14:5-7)

Sodom amasses his forces in the Valley of Siddim, and that's where the final battle goes down. (14:8-9)

"Now the Valley of Siddim was full of tar pits, and when the kings of Sodom and Gomorrah fled, some of the men fell into them and the rest fled to the hills." (14:10) Kedorlaomer's crew wins the battle (because the Sodomites and Gomorrans all ran away, so it's kind of a default thing), and they "seized all the goods of Sodom and Gomorrah and all their food" (14:11) and then they take off to return home.

But the plot thickens when Lot, who's living near Sodom, is taken away by the Elamese forces along with everything he owns (14:12).

One of the Sodomite escapees runs to Abram, somehow knowing that Abram and Lot were related despite their having split up in the last chapter. Abram gets angry (and you wouldn't like him when he's angry), and he gathers up the 318 men that had settled around him and allied with him over the past unknown amount of years to track down his nephew. (14:13-14)

One night, Abram hatches a devious plan. He separates his 318 men into smaller groups who each go out and attack different places in the dead of night. "He recovered all the goods and brought back his relative Lot and his possessions, together with the women and the other people." (14:15-16)

There's something particularly odd about all of this. Stay with me here --

An army made up of five kings' people go to war against an army of four kings' people. The slightly larger army runs away from the smaller one. Why? Was the other army noticably larger? Were there more able-bodied people on the "good" side than Sodom had? Besides, this was a rebellion, not a mild complaint. A true rebellion can't be slapped on the wrist. That's not going to stop anything. A true rebellion happens when people decide they hate the way they're living and they decide to fight against it, death being a completely viable alternative to the oppression.

Sodom, et al were one army ahead of the game, and yet they ran away! I know I'm being a bit nitpicky here, but this is not war! This isn't even an attempt at war. This was nothing more than a bunch of people making threats en masse about something they don't know or care enough about to die for.

And now, despite the fact that five entire armies went to war and lost to four entire armies, Abram thinks it's a really good idea to make his own go at those four armies with a little over three hundred men. I have speculated in previous chapters that Abram was one taco short of a combination plate, and this is proof of such.

But for whatever reason (probably because he's God's chosen one), he manages to succeed. What's more, "After Abram returned from defeating Kedorlaomer and the kings allied with him, the king of Sodom came out to meet him in the Valley of Shaveh." (14:17)

So Abram kills the king, and suddenly everyone in the Sodomite group is his best friend, but the guys from the Kedorlaomer camp don't do anything? They don't, say, amass four armies and come after Abram? They already know that, even though the Sodomites are Abram's good buddies, they just run at the first sign of trouble. And 318 men fighting four armies will not survive. As George Zimmer might say, "I guarantee it."

The king of Jerusalem breaks out the bread and wine. This king is also a priest, and he blesses Abram:

Blessed be Abram by God Most High,
Creator of heaven and earth.
And blessed be God Most High
who delivered your enemies into your hand.

Abram was chosen by God, so it's not like he needed the blessing. I'd also like to take a moment to point out that somebody just thanked the Christian deity for allowing people to be killed. Just sayin'.

That brings us up through 14:20, in which Abram gives a tenth of everything he recovered from his escapade to the priest/king for blessing him. Jeez, this Abram guy is really not smart at all.

The king of Sodom seems to be a mostly nice guy. He tells Abram that he doesn't want all the possessions that Abram is about to give to him. He only wants the people. (14:21)

But Abram rejects the offer because of how the Sodomites "were wicked and were sinning greatly against the Lord" (Gen 13:13). He says,

I have raised my hand to the Lord, God Most High, Creator of heaven and earth, and have taken an oath that I will accept nothing belonging to you, not even a thread or the thong of a sandal, so that you will never be able to say, "I made Abram rich." I will accept nothing but what my men have eaten and the share that belongs to the men who went with me — to Aner, Eshcol, and Mamre. Let them have their share.

What a prick! So I know that the Sodomites were supposedly working against God, but we haven't been told what exactly they were doing that was so bad. And I know that Abram was supposedly blessed by God. But still, this is taking it a bit far, don't you think? Abram saved his nephew Lot — who is somehow the only special Sodomite in the bunch, the only one who isn't "wicked" and "sinning greatly against the Lord" — and then rejects payment for it on the grounds that the Sodomites are evil people (God said so!).

That sounds familiar and relevant somehow. It sounds exactly like the way that the far right Christian fundamentalists sound when they try to speak politically. They're full of an uneducated, pompous self-righteousness that they believe is the only thing they need to make sense of the world, when in reality, they're just stupid people listening to a fake God telling them lies. They'll make exceptions for anything they feel doesn't match their worldview and make up excuses to match those decisions. They'll even warp truth. I imagine Abram is rationalizing this by thinking that Lot wasn't really a Sodomite. Lot was somehow forced into living there or something (he wasn't; it was his choice). That's a lot like killing someone, but thinking that you're exempt from the repercussions because God told you to do it.