Genesis: Chapter Twenty-Two (Abraham Tested, Nahor's Sons)

In which God exhibits the behavior of a psychopathic murderer, but decides that's a bad thing when he realizes his orders would prove himself to be a logical fallacy.

A nonspecific amount of time after Abraham double-lies to Abimilek, God calls upon him, and, without explanation, instructs Abramam to take his son Isaac to Moriah and burn him in sacrifice. It's bad enough that God should ask his chosen one to do this, but that Abraham begins working toward this end without question is more fucked up than I can express in words.

Abraham chops wood, saddles his donkey, and takes Isaac and two slaves to the mountain that God specifies. It's three days' travel, but they finally arrive within viewing distance of the mountain. Abraham tells the slaves to wait behind while he and Isaac go to pray. "We will worship and then we will come back to you," he says in 22:5, which is a lie, and none of us are surprised to see Abraham lie at this point. With all the lies God's been telling Abraham, it seems to have become part of Abraham's psyche. Or maybe God is just a projection of man, human nature, and culture, and since man has an innate ability and necessity to lie to get by in any culture, God takes on those qualities. Or I could be some nutbag who doesn't believe in God.

So Abraham takes Isaac up the mountain. Abraham makes Isaac carry the very wood upon which he will burn. Abraham carries a torch and a knife. Isaac, the precocious little bastard, begins to wonder out loud, "The fire and wood are here, but where is the lamb for the burnt offering?"

Abraham's satisfactory reply: "God himself will provide the lamb." (22:8)

They reach the top of the mountain. Abraham builds an altar from the wood. Abraham ties Isaac to the altar. Isaac doesn't complain at all. He doesn't struggle. Abraham raises the knife (it would be terrible if he burnt his son alive, wouldn't it?). And then, at the very last moment, an angel calls out, "Abraham! Abraham!" Abraham holds off for a moment. (22:9-11)

"Don't hurt that kid!" screams the angel. "Do not do anything to him. Now I know that you fear God, because you have not withheld from me your son, your only son." (22:12)

And this is all very frightening to me. This can be read (and I'm sure it is) as a message to Christians: FEAR GOD! Do what God says blindly out of fear! Even if God tells you to commit murder — filicide — you should do it immediately and without question! Do not ask why you should commit such an atrocity! Just do it!

The thought that a Christian might think that even murder is acceptable and excusable under God's command chills me to my core. That a Christian is supposed to do this out of fear for an ambivalent God that doesn't exist is another matter.

Abraham looks around and sees a ram caught in something by the horns, and he kills and burns it instead. The Chosen One names the mountain "The LORD Will Provide" because obviously, God provided Abraham with an excuse not to kill his son — the very one that God previously said would be the beginning of a massive amount of offspring to populate the world — right after giving Abraham an excuse to kill his son. (22:13-14) This is seriously fucked up! People read this stuff to their children before bed!

God speaks to Abraham again: "Because I told you your son would spawn generations and then told you to kill your son and because you were going to, but then stopped because I told you not to, I will now say again that your son will spawn generations, which is something that couldn't have possibly been true had you actually killed your son. Had you managed to follow my initial instructions, you would have proved wrong a prophecy of mine, thus showing that I am fallible and not omnipotent, and we can't have that, so I had to stop you. Wouldn't want you proving that I don't exist or anything." (22:15-18)

So they go to meet the servants they left behind, then go back to Beersheba. Abraham stays there.

So you'll remember way back in Chapter Eleven all about how Nahor (Abraham's brother) married his daughter-in-law, Milcah, even though it wasn't really necessary to. Well, Chapter Twenty-Two now ends with a quick addendum to Chapter Eleven's stream of genealogy.

Milcah and Nahor give birth to Uz, Buz, Kemuel, Kesed, Hazo, Pildash, Jidlaph, and Bethuel. Nahor also bangs a woman on the side, Reumah, and they have four sons together, Tebah, Gaham, Tahash, and Maacah. No word on how many were burned as a living sacrifice to angry, waffling gods.